Yeah, It Hurts…

December 16, 2023 – Today is my lil’ sister’s birthday. I have thought about her since our paths last crossed in May this year, when she and my brother manipulated eachother over our parents estate. I will not allow that moment to negatively taint my birthday sentiments to her, but I knew then, I would NEVER see my siblings again. (More on this later)

For the past few months, leading up to this day, my mind has taken me back to our childhood. I remember the times we were “silly little girls”, playing with the Holly Hobby phones at night when we were told to go to bed. Dialing eachother to see if the other was still awake. Then one of us would hear mama and slam the phone down. I was usually the one left holding the phone as mama stepped in my doorway to issue me another “go to bed” warning. I remember the times mama would call us in for some reason and rather than our names it was just, “GIRLS!”. I remember the way she rode a bicycle, leaning her body to the right like she was deathy afraid of falling off to the left. Sadly, I cannot conjure up many more fond memories with my sister.

Yeah, it hurts. 

But, it is not entirely our fault.

I forgive her.

If I knew then, what I know now I would like to think, things would have been different.

I was probably just out of diapers good when she came along. I do not have memories or photos of her coming home or me holding her. My parents did not shower me with “big sister” shirts and such. I do not even have any pictures of my sister as a baby, physically or in my head. The only thing that gets me through these years is the fact that I know, God made us sisters. It was not our choice. I accept His choice. I do not question it. I do not challenge it. I have never not acknowledged her as my sister. I am hard pressed to remember many ‘good’ moments because there seems to have always been a dark cloud hovering over our relationship. 

All things aside, TODAY is about HER. I wanted to call her at midnight, as I have for the last 11 years, to carry on our daddy’s tradition. But I didn’t. No matter where she is or what she is doing. I am thinking of her – today, yesterday and tomorrow. I have already climbed the mountain which she celebrates today. It was not an easy one for me. I worry about how it will effect her. I hope she has a support system. I also hope that she has a great day doing what she wants with those she wants to be a part of her day. 

My message to her today, “I hope you have a great day. Regardless, of your feelings, we are still sisters. The Good Lord, made it that way, and we shouldn’t question His choices. I hope and pray you have a VERY blessed birthday. I hate that I let you down. No one ever told me … how to be a big sister. I never, in my life, ever thought we would not be a part of each other’s lives, even in some small way. May this be YOUR day and you celebrate with those you value. Know tthat I do love you, always have, and always will”. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

-Your Sister

PS: If you are one of those fortunate enough to have a relationship with your sibling(s) in your adult life… count it as a huge blessing. You won’t know how valuable that is until you don’t have it.