May 14, 2023 – Mother’s Day 2023. Today, I celebrate my 26th year of being a Mother. I have never made a big fuss over ‘celebrating’ Mother’s or Father’s day and sometimes I wish I had. I haven’t, because I grew up in a home where it wasn’t really a big deal, but it should have been. I know that now. Can I make my kids, who are not almost 24 and 26 suddenly start celebrating? No. That wouldn’t be right. Just because my expectations have surprisingly changed does not mean I have to force them to change too. Will I mention it? Most likely. Will I bestow upon them the lessons I have learned? Most definitely. Will they hear me? Most likely no!
There have been a LOT of surpries in life as of late. It seems that 2023 came in very cool, calm and collected. Then, April hit like a wrecking ball. Our daughter had a serious accident at the horse farm where her horse is boarded. We will NOT talk about that horse. Anyway, the accident landed her in the hospital for 4 days recovering from the trauma and surgery as a result of the trauma. She lost half her colon and her appendics (or appendix?). She is a horrible patient and she really tested my nerves and patience those 4 days I spent by her bedside. As her mama, I was absolutely terrified and couldn’t quit thinking about the potential horrible outcome from this accident. I had to force myself to stay off of the internet and not psych myself up for things that could happen. Those 4 days were so exhausting and I don’t know how I did it. Sleeping in a chair, up every 2 hours or less, begging her to eat, begging her to move and praying she would not sink into a depression. Surprisingly, she finally got out and once we were home, rest didn’t come any easier. I was up every 6 hours making sure she had her pain medicine or trying to get her to eat something. I think it was our second night home, I was in the shower and I have to admit, I broke down. All of the “what if” moments I had running through my head, the lack of solid sleep, feeling helpless and frustrated with the choices she had made that led us here and the reality of my baby girl laying in that hospital — broke me. I don’t remember a time in my life that I felt that way. Talk about a surprise.
It’s been a few weeks and she’s now back to work part-time, light duty. It was time. To my surprise, she is doing fine. We still have the not eating to contend with, but that was happenning pre-trauma … so I guess we are back to normal in a sense. Now, I am trying to back pedal and pick up the pieces of life that was on hold. A big surprise came just a few days ago. It’s a bittersweet surprise in the form of arbitration. Yeah, I will have to explain that one later. It is a fall out from mama’s death. Thankfully, I am not a party in the arbitration directly but I am a part of it by my own hand…again, explaining that another time.
The other day, I was working on my social media hobby. I am a member of a few groups where I have to contribute to ‘win’ things. Usually, it’s a photo contest or sharing a YouTube video contest. Things that generally promote our channel, Wheel Epic Adventures. [that is a sad plug].
Anyway, I digress.
I hadn’t contributed in a few months and I got a DM from the moderator inviting me to contribute. I felt guilty so I made myself do it. It was a hard one too. Not surprisingly, it was focused on Mother’s Day. I had a choice of 3 things I could do:
1). Share a Photo of My Mother
2). Share An Impressive Story About Your Mother
3). Share a Gift You Would Prepare for Mother’s Day
Sadly, I have very few photos of my mama and impressive stories are probably there just not flowing right now. So I fell to option #3. Much to my surprise, I found this to be a very easy option. Life Is Full Of Surprises…because I think that with all I have gone though with my daughter recently and still not really having closure over both my parents’ … I shared a rather raw moment from my heart that came to me only because I saw that topic.
If you know me, you know I don’t have great memories with my mama. It’s okay. I accept it and I understand it, to a small degree. So, let me share with you what I posted….
“Growing up, we didn’t really celebrate these ‘holidays’ within the family. If it hadn’t been for schools making a fuss and forcing all us kids to make things for “mom” or “dad” etc etc…. honestly, I would have never made anything. When I did deliver that school gift to my mama, I remember it wasn’t received with the same enthusiasm that the teachers built it up to. Later in life, I would hear my mama say, “don’t bring me flowers, they just die” or “don’t worry about giving me anything when I’m dead and gone if you can’t give me things when I’m here to enjoy them”. Yeah…mixed messages were my life. But…it just so happens I grew up to be a VERY creative individual, a trait I credit to my mama. The best memories I have with her, are the times we were making things side by side.
Her death came sudden. A year and 2 mos later, all that is left is, 3 siblings, 5 grand children, a lot of unanswered questions and a court battle between siblings. (NOT ME DIRECTLY). SO.. WHAT WOULD I MAKE FOR MOTHER’S DAY!??!!
Glad you asked. I would make my mama a sandcastle. I would prepare her a place to sit on the beach, the only place she ever seemed happy. I would walk with her to find those perfect shells. I would sit with her and watch the sun set, even though I would rather be sitting by a waterfall in the mountains. I would take photos and videos of us. I would repeat “yes ma’am” as many times as I had to, to avoid arguments. I would force her to hug me and listen to her cranky reasons why my life sucks in her eyes, and I would say, “yeah I know mama” as many times as I had to, to avoid arguments. I would change the subject to things we would make from all the shells we found or talk about the seagulls. I would repeat this until the sun was below the horizon…every day if I could.
I would make the very best of each day, as I did my entire life, even though I didn’t know what I know now…she was suffering with bi-polar. Late in life, too late, she was diagnosed and by then dementia also took hold. Though she was cranky, moody, and never happy, mama was her best at the beach. I would make my mama a sandcastle.
Happy Mother’s Day to all Mama’s out there, past, present and future.”
See, Life IS Full Of Surprises and though I didn’t have the relationship I wanted with my mama, deep down I had the relationship I needed with my mama. Daddy often told me that we were very much alike and he loved us both. She and I kept our distances because together we were toxic. It wasn’t until I heard the words, “mom was diagnosed with bi-polar”… that I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I guess I can’t let that go because that is a piece of the answers I needed as a child who grew up thinking her mama hated her. As the woman I grew into struggling so hard to show my kids love. As the wife I am trying to be. All the things that hurt me as her daughter, I am working so hard not to repeat in my relationships. I might have been a “daddy’s girl” but I wanted my mama’s love too.
So, this Mother’s Day, I will be spending with my own family. We don’t have to build sandcastles but I certainly want them to remember and appreciate me, as their Mother!
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