1-Feb-2023: So, first off, how many of you are still reading this? It’s shocking I know to see an entry so close to the last right? Well, I am trying. Honestly trying. I am going to start setting reminders on my calender to post and/or podcast, right after I post this entry. A podcast and blog take a lot of work. Now I have also introduced a YouTube channel about another aspect of my life adventures that is also a huge undertaking. Unline this blog and/or podcast, the YouTube adventure is hopefully a foundation for a new career. Time will tell.
Speaking of time. Today is February 1, 2023. You might be wondering what the title of this blog has to do with everything I have said so far? Well, tomorrow, my calendar reminded me as it has for years as if I needed it, would be my mama’s 70th birthday. I cannot believe that BOTH of my parents are no longer here. I NEVER imagined they wouldn’t live to see *all* of their grandkids grow and potentially meet great-grandkids (to mine…I am NOT interested in that chapter 😉 ) . Anyway. wow. She may not be with us physically but it won’t stop me from thinking about her.
It’s no secret, mama and I had a very strenuous relationship. At about the age of 13, I began trying to understand why I didn’t feel like my mother loved me. Now, this is suppose to be about her so I won’t go into that stuff right now. I will say that for much of my life, I didn’t feel like my mother was really capable of feeling love. She didn’t really have those ‘motherly’ instincts that I see in myself now as a mother. I will admit, when my kids were born, she did seem to have moments that melted her heart. I could see it in her eyes at times when she held my kids. Again, I won’t go into all of that. I will say, knowing what we know now, mama was sick. She was probably unaware of just how sick she was and that breaks my heart more than not feeling her love myself.
I don’t have any of my childhood pictures – THANKS TO MY GREEDY SIBLING!! Mama had been telling me for years that she was going to divide them up and give us copies. At one point, many years ago, I was fortunate enough to be given my baby book and a few random chidhood photos. After that is when she kept promising to divide and distribute photos. She knew, when I was pregant the first time, that I had taken up genealogy. In her own way, every so often, she contributed to that passion, by sending me newspaper clippings she had kept of family members who had passed. She gave me some personal items from my great-great grandfather. I am eternally grateful for all of those things…but of course, I know there is more and I wish I had been given all of them as promised. My grandfather had a huge collection of personal effects I was told we would go through, but time was cut short.
While going through my own collection of photos and thinking about mama a few weeks ago, I found a photo that has continuously pushed itself into my thoughts since. I know, pictures were once worth a 1000 words, until ‘photoshopping’ showed us that isn’t true. I promise, I have done nothing to this photo. Why would I? This photo, to most wouldn’t stand out. But given what I have already shared with you about my mama, I think this photo literally captured that moment! That moment mama felt something in her heart. That moment mama realized how her life was changing. That moment mama felt something that no words can ever express. The photographer probably has no clue what they captured at that moment.
I am going to choose to spin my own narrative about this photo.
Mama had just opened her gift from daddy. I am sure it was something she told him she wanted and which he gladly got for her. He loved Christmas and he loved giving. Mama was spoiled. I want to believe that in this moment, she realized just how spoiled she was.
This is a couple who married very young, struggled; like we all do, to build a life of their own despite hurdles. They were both very smart, despite dropping out of high school to marry. Mama, she was so creative and knew how to squeeze every bit of worth out of a penny. She taught me so many things about life, for which I had no clue I needed to know, whether she meant to or not. She was hard on me. She challenged and pushed me emotionally. She would tell me “you can do anything you put your mind to“, then flip the switch and tell me I am “not worthy of anything“. I mean, I cannot recall the number of times she told me to “just quit” high school (or college). She was an enforcer of rules. She demanded control of everthing and everyone. Today’s offended generation would have had her cancelled and labeled everything from narcisist to psychopath. Her parenting would be that of a “helicopter parent”. She was proud of ‘things’ and loved to have ‘things’. She would tell me horrible stories of her childhood at the hands of her dady, yet she was standing by her daddy’s side when he passed away.
I don’t know if mama ever found happiness. I choose to believe that this moment was a glimpse of happiness for them both. This moment is frozen in time and if there is any image I would like my kids to remember them by, it would be this one.
This photo was taken in a cabin, in Pigeon Forge, December 28, 2011. Just 68 days before daddy would pass away. He told me, he knew it was his last Christmas. He had asked for one thing; “his family, all of his kids and grandkids, come together under one roof“. We did, we did it for daddy.
It was a difficult time for my little family, financially we were struggling. Both myself and my husband were in the middle of career moves. We didn’t have much to spare for gifts beyond our own pre-teen kids. I took to making things for family. I don’t think my gifts were well received by a few and that is okay. My kids had a great Christmas. They have good memories with their grandparents, aunts, uncle and cousins.
I don’t want to think about anything else we cannot see in this photo that Christmas. I will hold that Christmas in a special place of my memory, so long as the Good Lord is willing to allow. I hope my kids do the same.
Tomorrow, I will share with my audience a special HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY to mama. I have photos I am blessed to have, which I will share in her memory.
Today, this photo reminds me, to remember the small things.
As Long As Hearts Remember
As long as hearts remember,
As long as hearts still care,
We do not part with those we love,
They’re with us everwhere.
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