13-Oct-2022 – I have never really considered myself one to ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘anxietal’. Maybe I’m not now. However, after being back from a month of travel I am wondering if perhaps this is what anxiety feels like?
I have a lot of stuff to get done and don’t feel that I am getting anything done to completion. It is no secret that over the years, I tend to volunteer and get into things that I am passionate about only to end up juggling said passions/activities and/or committments successfully. I do not recall ever feeling as if I am dropping the proverbal ball…until now.
I know one of my biggest issues is I hate to QUIT anything. Once I say I am going to do something I like to follow through. I dive in 1000% and often times don’t look back. This time is a little different. My husband and I were gone for about a month. We have never been able to just get away like that and though the first few weeks it wasn’t really a ‘vacation’ for him, as he worked, and on weekends we were both participating a pretty intense training for yet another hobby we have. The last week though, we were in true vacation mode. One week of no job demands for him. One week that we enjoyed doing what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. Fast forward, we drag our convoy home and begin the unpacking and cleaning up phase. He returns to work and I take on cleaning a home that was pretty neglected for a month, which is strange if you think about it. How does a home become so cluttered if no one is there? Was the clutter there all along but we see it with fresh eyes after a time away? Anyway. I digress. I dove into my chores and focused on getting some order back. While all this is going on, I have little nagging voices in my head reminding me of some rather unfavorable behavior within a social group we were members of until early October (while we were traveling), as well as a very, very sad and unfortunate legal battle involving my siblings. Then, there’s all these ideas of things I want to do that require my attention. I want to focus on my blog, my podcast, YouTube channel and a few other ideas that are bouncing around in my head. Suddenly, I find myself sitting at the computer working on several projects but not able to really focus my efforts on anything. I find myself engaged in a conversation with an individual I don’t really know yet I feel compelled to continue building a relationship via texting. I am not the type of person to just give up on people, so I keep thinking deep down this could be a new friendship but my gut tells me there is something off about it all. So my mind wonders into all these directions about all these things. Then I begin to think of the bills that need to get paid. I have to get an oil change scheduled. I need a hair cut. My mind then wanders to my motherly responsibilities, checking in on the kiddos making sure they know I am still here for them. Nothing seems to be getting completed.
Is This What Anxiety Feels Like?
I decided to take a moment and just jot this down here as I hope it provides a bit of clarity. I am not sure it is but I did get that oil change scheduled, so can I consider that one thing completed? I know we cannot stress over things out of our control. I also have to ask the question, what is considered “out of our control”? How do you determine what you have control over and what you don’t? At what point is it just quitting rather than seeing things though even if it is difficult? Deep breaths. Moments of silence. Sticky notes. Notebooks with ideas. All of these are ways I use to help me focus but I have to wonder if it is helping when I still feel as if I am over looking something. Prioritizing things is probably going to be my next step to get a handle on things I have put on myself. I’ll find out what I missed when I do that.
For now, I can say that the family legal situation is clearly out of my control and it is stagnant at this time. No movement has been made towards a resolution so I can clearly let this one sleep in my head. If you wanna know what is going on there, take a gander at some of the posts prior to this…they may help.
Until my next moment… thanks for letting me climb aboard my soapbox!
CLIMB ABOARD MY SOAPBOX 