June 7, 2022 – I have been away from this blog for a while. I had to go back and read things to see where I need to pick up. In reality, it doesn’t really matter because this only serves to help me deal with the story that is MY LIFE.
So, backing up to my post …30 Days… where I shared about the day my mother passed away.
I sat there…for what felt like an eternity. Then, my phone pierced through the silence. Answering, I learned that mama had already been moved to the funeral home. Folks…this was the beginning of yet another bad dream that I will have to pick up on later.
source: https://climbaboardmysoapbox.blog/2022/04/10/30-days/
Let’s pick up there. Being moved to a funeral home is all part of the unfortunate process after death. That wasn’t the strange part. What made this strange is, I was sitting in a church parking lot within half an hour of the news of her passing learning that she had pretty much whisked away to the funeral home. It felt strange and very much orchestrated. So many questions and no answers. Not long after learning of her whereabouts, it was also discovered that my brother had ‘convienently’ failed to inform the funeral home of the existence of two sisters. Sadly, I firmly believe this was intentional and methodically planned. I would have NEVER thought in a million years that my own sibling(s) would stoop this low. I also knew, from experience, that SC Law was pretty clear on this and legally, we were ALL suppose to be involved in the funeral arrangements of our mother. This was confirmed when the funeral home learned of our existence and made the call to my brother informing him that they “were NOT proceeding with any arrangements nor would they issue a death certificate until the 3 of us agreed on arrangements“.
This is where it got pretty ugly. Our desire to be involved wasn’t well received by said brother. He even went as far as to ask the funeral director if “we were threatening him”? To which the answer was a profound and stern “NO SIR”. I have to wonder, why would anyone think to ask such a question? Where did this come from? Threaten a funeral director? What would either of us threaten? How would such a threat be issued? I am still perplexed by this from my brother.
Finally, after a somewhat tense discussion, it was settled that our mother would have to be put on “hold” until the 3 of us could arrange details. At one point, my brother demanded that we pay 1/3 of the costs if we wanted to be a part of the plans. This was ludicrious because even I KNEW mom had plenty of money in her estate to handle this and I felt sure that it might have already been paid. To demand we come up with an undisclosed amount of money without a timeframe was a very low blow. Of course another demand, conveyed to us by the funeral director, was that we weren’t allowed to be in the same room as him so we were expected to do our part via phone call. My brother refused to handle the matter the next day, being as he had to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, so we had to wait. Wait we did.
I did not appreciate this wait. It was so unfair to our mother. I get it, a birthday is important. Life is life and it starts and ends without regard to what is going on in the world. We cannot hit a pause button. We have to learn to deal with all that life gives us, WHEN, it is given. The entire day to celebrate a birth is absolutely selfish when the woman, who gave you life, has passed and needs to be laid to rest. Not like the actual burial was going to take place ON THIS PRECIOUS BIRTHDAY…it was just arrangements! Half hour out of the day at best. I found it absolutely repulsive. That entire day we were forced to wait, I spent with some of my very special friends, in between the flood of calls from family wanting to know when they could pay their respects. Sadly, I had to deliver the news that no visitors were allowed without my brother’s approval. I talked to a LOT of extended family members, recounting the events, the words, the things I saw and my feelings of something big looming. I wasn’t prepared for the next day.
March 9, 2022 – the 10am planned call didn’t happen. We learned that our brother had called to change the time to later. No explanation given. He was certainly holding this cats head. Then…we got the call 11:35am. It took about 36 mins and we had agreed on terms. Things were going smoothly considering. Then, like a light switch, my brother’s voice flipped into this very deep, dictator like tone. He informed us that he was holding a document, signed by the judge, that gave him complete control over the funeral arrangements and he was only going to extend us the courtesy of attending IF we agreed to HIS terms. He issued a set of demands. He issued specific orders. He forced us to record our agreement to comply and if we didn’t, he would not allow us to attend the funeral. The question about the ‘signed document’ was raised and we were not told what the document was, only that it was signed by a judge and the funeral director verbally confirmed he had this document. Personally, I was thrown for a loop. I even had to let out a bit of laughter, face it I was going to cry or laugh, which my brother saw fit to object to and firmly suggest I hang up and forego my involvement. He went on to issued decree after decree. One such decree was that we weren’t allowed to attend the burial, we were to remain in our cars. The next was that he would “forget he we exist after this date” and demanded we do the same for him and his family, as well as remove blogs. Thus the disclaimer I included on posts during that timeframe.
Of course, I stated that I would never forget that he exists and agreed to these terms so that we may lay our mother to rest in peace. For the record, I had NO INTENTION of sitting in my car on public property and I didn’t. Folks, this is the closest I have EVER come to being controlled by a … male … He controlled the narrative and he probably felt like a king and I hated allowing that to happen. It got even more interesting when he insisted that we repeat this agreement so he could record it and use it as he saw fit in the future. Of course, I demanded a copy of this recording. The entire time, he issued HIS orders and we were threatened if we didn’t comply. I pretty much ignored what he was saying because I was trying to figure out in my mind where this was coming from. Why he was being such a DICKtator! [NO, I didn’t mistype that.] What I wish I had done was drive to that funeral home and march in with my own demand….a simple one really… “get off your fucking high horse and act like a civilized human being that was raised better than this“. Of course, we all know that I had already been painted as the ‘hot head’ so doing that would only play into their narrative.
Final arrangements were as follows…he unblocked our phone numbers for the purposes of contact about the funeral only. Remember folks, he admits to having blocked our numbers!!!
There was to be no graveside or funeral service of any kind. There was brief discussion about songs to play at visition. Visition was to be split into time for him and his family and us. He got the first hour. All visitors were to be run by him for his approval first. We were allowed to handle the obituary, which he would approve. We were allowed to pick the flowers, which he would approve. I made a plea for the recorded portion of our call. Folks…that is ALL that was carried on in a group text. A very cold, simple and to the point text between siblings.
The day of the funeral and burial. March 11, 2022, just 10 years and 1 day after we had laid my father to rest. I arrived at the funeral home first…I contemplated walking in an sitting in the waiting area but decided I would not cause waves and wait in my truck. I watched as my brother arrived driving my mother’s car, then his wife in their car. They sat breifly then began to get out. Sitting in the passenger seat of my mother’s car was her half brother. I was in shock. A family member that my brother had never found a use for in the past was in mama’s car, at her funeral! I had wanted to let him know but with all of the demands, I had totally given up that fight. Then I watched as a cousin arrived with her two grown children. This was most shocking because the last I had been told, mama had a major falling out with her and didn’t want anything to do with her, yet she was embracing my brother and he was shaking hands with her children. I was growing more and more angry by the minute. Then, another car arrived and out climbed the one and only friend I know my mother had. Hadn’t seen her in years but I knew who it was. My brother spotted her and like a silly child he greeted her with a smile and a hug. This made me so sick at my stomach.
I watched as my sister-in-law, her mother, my neice and nephew, my cousin, her children, mama’s one friend, my brother and my half-uncle all disappeared into the funeral home. At the end of their hour, they each filed out and stood waiting to say their farewells. I assumed that they were discussing the burial plans. I was assuming that the cousins boys (our second cousins) were going to be pallbearers. Little did I know, I was DEFINITELY wrong.
I spent my time as I was dictated to have. Things felt strange and I’ll leave it at that. When it was time, the funeral director told the only 3 people who were there they were headed to burial. We exited, got in our cars and followed. My mother’s funeral procession was myself and my sister. I fought the tears as my daddy’s words played over and over in my head. I hated that he was right. I had to wonder if maybe he wasn’t right though? How would he know my brother would orchestrate this event this way?
Once at the cemetery, I immediately climbed out of my truck and walked towards the already disturbed grounds beside daddy. I then found myself standing under the shade of a tree about 40 feet or so away. The hurst was open, I could see her casket. Then my brother arrived, again in her car. Out climbed him, my half uncle and nephew. Then his wife arrived, out she came, her mom and my neice. I thought to myself, has he so much hatred for women that he cannot even ride with his wife and daughter? Then, I refocused on him. He had taken his spot helping grounds keepers and funeral director carry mama to her resting place. She was then quietly and quickly lowered to rest beside daddy. My brother turned his back as this happened. He walked about 10 feet away, knelt and his family approached him. Then, like a light switch, he got up and began his departure.
I had just witnessed the absolute coldest, unloving and unchristrianlike burial ever. I was frozen in my own footsteps…watching. I wanted to lash out. I wanted so badly to go back to 2012. Daddy is so ashamed of how this played out.
That folks is how the day went when I laid my mama to rest. So, so many unanswered questions and unexplainable actions. The only thing I apparently did wrong was not bend over backwards and force myself into my brother’s life. That was grazed over during the ultimatum phase of planning. FOR THE RECORD…I NEVER had a cross word with my brother, my sister or my mother after we lay daddy to rest. My family and I DID try to reach out, birthdays etc and it wasn’t reciprocated. Eventually, we just accepted the silence. The LAST contact I had was 2015, when demands were made for graduation invitations. My defense was, “there are limited tickets AND why should they attend a graduation for someone they did nothing to contribute?”. Yes…they were ALL invited to band competitions, archery meets and soccer games but never showed.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
CLIMB ABOARD MY SOAPBOX 