When you NEED closure.

I don’t recall ever feeling this way before.

Not sure WHAT this feeling is really. Not sure how to deal with it or make it just go away.

Can’t describe it without getting that tightness in my chest and burning sensation in my blood. (I paused three times to type that).

To understand, I suppose I need to deliver the backstory.

Here goes: just over 6 months ago a situation occurred between myself and a coworker. No one wanted to point out the obvious and deal with the problem that had been brewing for years. I had tried and despite my nature, bit my tongue a lot and took the verbal abuse. This person was/is obviously very unhappy, and given my strong, opinionated personality, I didn’t allow things to slide often and they knew it. I learned to pick my battles with them, and there were many to choose from. Maybe my gender didn’t help, as I am certain that factored into the equation early. No one likes to be talked down to, belittled or devalued. The difference here was I spoke up. Twice before this final event, I had been treated like a child of this individual. Once even told to “get out of their sight”, resulting in me physically leaving the facility for the day.

On this final event eve, I was informed; that because I had chosen to not talk to my coworkers, which I was required to do, I was being moved out of the department. The reason was pulled out of their asses. I spoke to coworkers when required to do my job. What I wasn’t doing was chewing the fat with them. I had reached a point I had been to before. I had written my resignation letter AGAIN and was trying to be cool and calm before I delivered it. Yet, here I was sitting in a big room, being told I was being removed because I wouldn’t talk. As I sat there, trying to keep a lid on my emotions, my ears suddenly felt like someone shoved cotton balls in them. I felt a burning sensation in my veins, my head felt like the throbbing thumb on cartoons and all I could see was a coworker, across from me, with a smirk of success.

I asked to be excused. Then about an hour later, I left the facility. Went home, shared the news. I was still considering handing over the resignation letter. While I was FINALLY out from under the thumb of the coworker, who clearly disliked me, I still had to wait a week. The week would be tough on them, I had already endured 6 years, 5 months and 24 days being where I wasn’t wanted.

The next morning, I walked in to resume my duties and within 30 minutes I was being confronted by the smirky coworker. I was told to leave “now”. I was floored. How does this shit happen? How do I go from, a week to minutes overnight? How is someone in their position allowed to make these decisions? Of course, I said a few choice words and left showing my anger. I eventually just sat in my car, waiting on the powers to be to arrive.

Since that day, I have to say, my displacement has made me so much more relaxed. I don’t have to walk around on eggshells or endure verbal abuse or listen to perverted comments. I choose who I “chew th fat” with, which isn’t often. There are days, I don’t even speak to more than 2 people. Which makes the whole reasoning behind my move, even more hilarious. It is NO secret that my respect for some is gone. It is NO secret that I was subjected to a very hostile work environment. It is NO secret that it still happens, to others. I cannot speak for others. I can listen when they need to vent. I can offer advice. I can share in their frustration. In the end, I can only control MY corner of the workplace.

All that history happened in June 2019. As I said, I have never been one to hold a grudge, but for some reason, every time I see or hear the former coworker I feel emotions I can’t put into words.

I want to be released of this feeling. I want them to no longer have that power. I want to make them understand that I am better than them in so many ways, and they are the unlucky one in this chapter of life.

I NEED closure.